"If you can't love yourself how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" .... well sorta, there are easier paths to queer self-esteem...

By Austin Dowling

"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" …well sorta, there are easier paths to queer self-esteem... We hear it every week as RuPaul's Drag Race draws to a close. I hear it often from clients in therapy, queer and straight alike. The idea that self-love is a prerequisite for loving others has firmly slipped into the zeitgeist. And there is much wisdom in that. After all, our relationships with others are inherently bound up with the relationship we have with ourselves.

That said, loving ourselves as a path to loving others is only half the picture. One of the most powerful ways of developing self-love—and deepening queer self-esteem—is to recognize, receive, and integrate the love we experience from others into our own self-image. Can we take a moment to give a shout out to the interconnected nature of self-love and explore the skill of allowing ourselves to receive love as an equally important part of the journey.

The Foundation of Self-Love

Self-love is, without doubt, one of the foundational pillars supporting how we relate to others. Most forms of therapy encourage us to focus on our relationship with our thoughts, feelings, past experiences, and behavioural patterns in order to make peace with these aspects of ourselves and free ourselves from habits that no longer serve us. Therapy is, in many ways, a journey of self-love.

Self-love involves acknowledging and accepting all aspects of ourselves, both the light and the shadow. However, the notion that self-love is solely an internal pursuit oversimplifies the complex dynamics of human connection.

Love, by its very nature, is reciprocal. It is an energy that flows—almost like an electrical current—between people, nourishing both the giver and the receiver. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open to receiving love, we create a virtuous cycle that also enhances our ability to love ourselves.

Think of self-love as reflecting the love we receive from others. When we allow ourselves to genuinely accept love, kindness, and support, they become powerful reminders of our worth. Rather than depending on external validation, we gradually integrate those experiences into our own sense of who we are. Receiving love doesn't replace self-love—it helps strengthen it.

While we humans are inherently social creatures, for many of us receiving love can actually be harder than focusing on self-love itself. Past relationships, trauma, rejection, or societal expectations may have erected barriers that restrict the free flow of love into our lives.

Learning to dismantle these barriers is an important part of the therapeutic journey. Therapy, self-reflection, and honest conversations with trusted people can all help us gradually lower these emotional walls. As we become more willing to receive love, we slowly chip away at the beliefs that once prevented us from experiencing the full spectrum of connection and self-acceptance.

Embracing vulnerability is central to both self-love and receiving love from others. Many of the clients I work with are searching for deeper, more fulfilling relationships, and I'm often privileged to witness the connection between vulnerability and genuine intimacy. Authentic relationships are rarely built through perfection; they're built through allowing ourselves to be seen.

I worked with a client during the pandemic, Ben, who had become completely disillusioned with hookup culture and was surprised to find himself longing for a long-term relationship. Much of our early work involved exploring his anxiety about how others perceived him and his reluctance to trust after being hurt in earlier relationships.

The turning point came when Ben realised that being honest about his fears and awkwardness, combined with his natural warmth and wonderfully goofy sense of humour, completely transformed how potential partners responded to him. His vulnerability gave others permission to show up as themselves. His barrier became his superpower.

Being vulnerable is a practice we develop over time. It takes patience to acknowledge our imperfections, fears, and insecurities, and the courage to share them with people we trust—even at the risk of rejection. Yet it is precisely this authenticity that strengthens our sense of self-worth. By receiving love in moments of vulnerability, we learn that we are worthy of love not merely despite our flaws, but often because of them.

Conclusion

While RuPaul's famous sign-off—"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"—highlights the importance of self-love, I think the journey is a little more nuanced than that. Learning to love ourselves is a dynamic interplay between internal and external forces, with receiving love from others playing a pivotal role. By embracing vulnerability, dismantling old barriers, and allowing ourselves to truly receive love, we strengthen both our internal and external worlds.

It is a classic "yes, and..." situation. Investing in self-love empowers us to seek out healthy relationships and to recognise those that nourish us. At the same time, allowing ourselves to receive love from others gives us fresh evidence of our own worth, evidence that can gradually become part of how we see ourselves. For many LGBTQ+ people, this can be particularly important. Years of shame, rejection, or simply feeling different can quietly teach us to distrust affection, minimise kindness, or question whether we are truly lovable. Receiving love isn't passive. It can be one of the bravest things we ever learn to do.

In the end, the path to self-love is enriched by the love we give, the love we receive, and the courage to believe both are equally real.