The Meaning Matrix – 3 Questions to Uncover Your Purpose

By Austin Dowling

There is a peculiar disappointment that can arrive after we get what we wanted. We build the career, develop the skill, raise the children, achieve the goal—and instead of feeling satisfied, we find ourselves wondering: Is this it? That vague sense of disappointment is a common prompt that pushes mature adults into psychotherapy. Confusion often follows when we have dedicated ourselves to a goal—pursuing a career, mastering a skill, or delivering our children safely to adulthood—and the goal no longer provides the energy or direction it once did. Questions around purpose and meaning are intensely personal and speak to the core of what motivates us. This post explores three questions we confront when trying to maintain or restore our energy and passion for life.

To get started, let’s first define the terms meaning and purpose. In the context of mental health, meaning refers to the significance we find in our own unique existence, and it usually arises in variations of the question, Why am I here? Purpose, on the other hand, is the driving force that propels us forward, providing direction and motivation in life.

Our sense of these concepts changes throughout our lives—from striving to create a career, a family or a reputation earlier in life, to broader questions about what is behind the curtain that often present later on. As a therapist working in this space, I bring no view on how these questions should be answered. But I do believe examining them is worthy of our time and attention for the very practical reason that it can bring us deeper fulfillment and contentment—and help us course-correct when needed. The work here involves looking inward for answers around our values, priorities and deepest sense of mission. While the path is highly personal, it is pretty simple to start the process of reflection. Here are three essential questions to get us started.

1. What brings you meaning in your life?

This question prompts us to reflect on the purpose, values and significance we ascribe to our existence. Existential therapists help clients navigate this question by encouraging them to consider their personal narratives: what has been meaningful in the past, and how has this changed over time?

Part of the work is figuring out our personal values and then taking steps to align how we live with those values. For example, I worked with a client who had a successful litigation career of which he was proud and around which he was passionate, despite suffering burnout from overwork. His values, on the other hand, had increasingly pivoted toward having healthy relationships with his spouse, friends and colleagues.

So a large focus of our work became how to balance his career—in a kill-or-be-killed culture—with his desire to bring integrity to all of his personal and professional relationships. The answer wasn’t necessarily to abandon one for the other, but to recognize that the balance had changed.

2. If tomorrow were your last day on Earth, what would be most important to you?

(Or, if that’s a bit intense before your second cup of coffee, “the last day of your career” works here too.) This question is about acknowledging that loss and change are inescapable facts of life. Exploring what this means for each of us gives valuable insight into how we set our priorities. It helps us distinguish between what is urgent in our lives today—the deadlines, drop-offs, presentations, etc.—and what is important when we pull back the lens. Usually, intimate relationships are somewhere in the mix.

One of the benefits of reflecting on this question is the sense of release that comes from recognizing what is unimportant in our lives and freeing ourselves from its hold.

For example, if you find yourself sucked into patterns of disputes or misunderstandings with siblings or colleagues that serve no useful purpose, this examination can provide a useful means of exiting that pattern. Not every battle needs another round simply because we have already invested heavily in the first seventeen.

3. How do you balance your sense of freedom and responsibility?

This question prompts us to look at the choices we make in the context of our inherent freedom regarding how we live, on the one hand, and the responsibility we assume for ourselves and others on the other. Clients can explore the impact of their decisions on their sense of agency and autonomy, considering whether they are living authentically.

If, say, you are a people pleaser who strives to do your level best to provide the best life for your family and to be there for your friends and business associates, you may be emphasizing responsibility over freedom. The work involves balancing—or at least becoming more conscious of how we balance—freedom and responsibility. A good way to start is to become curious about what we would do if we felt empowered to embrace whichever end of the spectrum we tend to shy away from.

So, for example, if you are a hardworking, conscientious, responsible striver, what would it feel like to have more freedom to make choices? What would you do differently?

If, as is often the case, we initially feel we don’t have any freedom, the work involves examining that belief and becoming curious about where, exactly, we feel trapped.

Ultimately, we are all responsible for creating our own meaning and shaping our lives through the choices we make. By fostering a sense of personal responsibility for our lives—and practicing the imperfect art of balancing how we invest our energy with what we value—we can make significant progress toward greater fulfillment.

A word of caution, though: this work is a marathon, not a sprint. Our answers to these questions are not fixed, because neither are we. What gives our lives meaning at 30 may not be what gives them meaning at 50 or 70. Perhaps the point is not to discover one grand purpose and dutifully stick to it forever, but to keep noticing when the life we are living and the things we value have quietly drifted apart—and give ourselves permission to bring them back together.

Austin Dowling

AnDowlingPsychotherapy@gmail.com